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How to Lose Friends and Alienate People

My wife and I visited a small storefront church Sunday. We sat in the back, which I guess was the visitor area by the looks of the people around us. I could tell the woman sitting alone next to me wasn't a Christian: She had a bewildered look during worship; she didn't really know when to sit and stand during the service; and she embarrassingly whispered to me when the pastor referenced a scripture that she didn't "have a book." I shared mine so she could follow along.

Back to the story. Toward the end of the hour-long worship time, there was a moment of stillness in the service. That's when, THUD, the girl sitting behind us fainted. It wasn't anything spiritual — we later found out she had skipped breakfast and was prone to these things. But as the girl hit the floor and started to convulse, the lady next to me shouted, "Somebody's fainted! Call 911!" A crowd gathered and gawked, not knowing what to do, so she pleaded again: "Somebody call 911!"

Long story short, a couple minutes later the girl came to and, with a little juice, was fine. But the pastor took what had just occurred as an opportunity to soapbox. "Whoever it was that called for 911 needed to repent for a lack of faith!" "911 is for doubters!" "Real Christians don't need 911, they only need the Holy Ghost!" "Somebody in this church needs to repent this morning!"...