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A moral quandary
The goal starting out was an incredibly simple one: I wanted to explain to you, you elitist, atheistical, liberal swine, a little bit more about your decent, God-fearing, crop-growing counterparts in those big blocky states in the middle of America.

There they are, shopping at Wal-Mart and driving their Chevrolets to church on Sunday mornings in what every clichd member of the chattering class has described ad nauseam as the Red States. Yet the morally bankrupt, ethically challenged residents of much of the nation's perimeter, you included, know precisely nothing about them.

So who better to call for an understanding of this brave-hearted, pure-minded swath of America than the most brave-hearted and pure-minded within it? Certainly they would tell us about their cause to bridge this yawning divide.

To that end, the House majority leader, Tom DeLay, was first on my list. Such a fine leader, Mr. DeLay, a man of true conviction, though his staff is quick to point out that he hasn't even been indicted yet.

True, three of his associates have been charged with illegally using corporate money to influence political races in Texas, and DeLay apparently remains under investigation.

But at least his Republican colleagues in the House voted to change that pesky 11-year-old rule that would require him to step down if he's indicted, so these nice people will always have him as their moral guide.

Still, I decided to leave DeLay alone to face his legal dilemma. Next on the list of upstanding representatives of Red State America: William J. Bennett.

You know Mr. Bennett: former secretary of education, one-time national drug czar, author of "The Book of Virtues," professional moralist. When you see that perpetually pained look on his face and hear that funereal voice detailing all that is wrong with this country, you just know he represents the core of America.

But wait a minute, wasn't Bennett the one who was reported to have lost $8 million sneaking off to play slot machines and video poker? I seem to remember something about a $200,000 credit line, preferred status at four Las Vegas and Atlantic City casinos, and incredible indignation on his part that anyone dare question the hypocrisy in it all.

Next up, Rush Limbaugh, the playful radio voice of the conservative movement for all these years. But no, that's wrong, too, what with the OxyContin addiction and the investigation into how he acquired the drugs.

On to Bill O'Reilly, the hard-line, hard-nosed television personality for a network, the Fox News Channel, that has come to embody much of what the pundits call Red State America. O'Reilly might be the hottest franchise on cable television, so influential that George W. Bush graced him with a lengthy interview in the teeth of the campaign season.

But what happens if O'Reilly tries to have phone sex with me, as he allegedly did with his longtime producer? Can I really ask him about the moral fiber of middle America if he keeps asking what I'm wearing?

So I look to the heroes of yore, particularly the first revolutionary in this grand Republican revolution, none other than Newt Gingrich himself. A good guy, former House speaker Gingrich, but can he really speak to moral issues like the sanctity of heterosexual marriage, given his track record with his former wives?...