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Dear President Bush,

Thanks for doing all you can to defend God's Law. I understand and agree with your proposed constitutional amendment to ban same sex marriage. Whenever one of these unbelievers tries to defend "his" or "her" homosexual lifestyle to me, I simply remind them that The Book of Leviticus brands it an abomination. God said it. I believe it. And that's it. End of conversation.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding a few other elements of God's Law:

· Leviticus says I can possess slaves, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. I don't understand. Why can't I own Canadians?

· I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus. Considering her like-new condition, what do you think would be a fair asking price?

· I know that I am not allowed contact with a woman who is menstruating because she is ceremonially unclean. The problem is how do I know if she is or isn't? Most women are offended when I ask.

· When I burn a sacrificial bull on our family altar, I know it creates an odor pleasing to the Lord, but my neighbors say it is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

· I have a neighbor who, in spite of the death penalty prescribed in Exodus, insists on working on the Sabbath. Am I obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

· I know Leviticus says that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but can I play football if I wear wool gloves?

· My aunt wears garments made of two kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). She also curses a lot. Do we really have to get the whole town together to stone her? Couldn't we just burn her to death at a private family affair?

Mr. President, I know you have studied Torah extensively and possess considerable expertise in these weightier matters of the law, so I am confident you can help me. And thanks again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.