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MISSION ACCOMPLISHEDER! THE WORLD SLEEPS SAFELY TONIGHT KNOWING A DELIRIOUS, NAPPY HAIRBALL LIVING IN A HOLE IS FINALLY IN REPUBLICAN CUSTODY

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Today I bring news of great consequence to all the pollsters of the world. Yesterday, December the 13th, at around 8:30 p.m. Baghdad time, former U.S. Department of Defense employee Saddam Hussein was captured alive. This man, the most powerful, diabolical evildoer ever to threaten humanity, was found in his hometown of Tikrit, beneath the dusty lean-to of a long-time supporter. In short, he was exactly where everyone thought he'd be. And today, I am proud to say that it only took us just shy of nine months from the day I gave him forty-eight hours to skedattle or be promptly administered a Texas Lead Enema.

Also as expected, Saddam was found presiding over operations at a state-of-the-art Weapons of Mass Destruction control panel with a retractable top, hot babes and heliport – albeit artfully camouflaged to resemble an unstaffed, vermin-infested hole in the ground. It was here, from this advanced, zillion dollar terror complex that he concocted and carefully managed execution of his countless nefarious schemes – most notably his powerful, intoxicating ability to make us forget all about the people who were actually behind 9/11 by impersonating a filthy piece of poor homeless trash. Well that was his last mistake. Little did he know that this administration is even quicker at taking down the poor than it is at nabbing evildoers!

Going forward, you will hear a great deal of talk in the news media about how Saddam did not fight to the death when finally seized by U.S. forces. You will hear that while he wore a diminutive, dirt-jammed sidearm, that he never fired a single shot while 600 burly leathernecks wielding personal howitzers closed in around him. You may wonder about the fixation on this seemingly irrelevant detail. Well, the reason for this is simple. This shows that Saddam is a pussy. A pink panty-wearing, prancing tooty-fruity wimp in a silken negligee, wanting nothing more than to be taken alive, stripped naked, and repeatedly subjected to Uncle Sam's notoriously thorough body cavity searches.

(Boos.)

Indeed. But in contrast to Saddam's totally embarrassing pussiness, I am a total stud – a veritable throbbing veiny staff of alpha-male triumph. And inasmuch as I am also the embodiment of the United States, all Americans are today infinitely more studly than they were yesterday. That is why, in celebration of our astonishing ability to evict a bewildered 66 year-old from a hole in the ground with only 400+ U.S. casualties, let all Americans follow my personal example, and demonstrate their patriotism by standing topless in front of a mirror, gritting their teeth, flexing their muscles and bellowing, "WHO'S THE FUCKING MAN? I'M THE FUCKING MAN! USA! USA! USA!" ...