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No, Jesus is my Personal Savior
What? Now you've opened up your soul to Him and made a home for the Lord in your heart, too? Give me a break, Matt. You're just saying that because I told you I'd been born again into new life in the love and grace of our Lord, the Redeemer, Christ Jesus. Let's get one thing clear: Jesus is my personal savior, not yours. I don't want you horning in on my eternal-salvation action.

Get your own Redeemer, Matt. I have a one-on-one, personal relationship with Jesus, and I don't remember inviting you in on it. Yes, I know, Jesus said the apostles should spread the good news of His death and resurrection, and his followers should "go forth and do likewise." Hello, I'm the one who told you that, remember? But just because I happen to have proselytized unto you on His behalf, that doesn't mean I welcomed you into the fold or expected you to embrace the one true Messiah. I was only saying that stuff out of devotion to His teachings, not because I wanted you to get with God, too.

I was the one who found that little cartoon pamphlet on the ground. I was the one who looked into my soul and realized that I'd been living a lie spun by the great deceiver. I was the one who got down on my hands and knees, right there in the bus shelter, and accepted the Lord Jesus Christ into my heart—not you. I broke the bonds of sin and was reborn into a new and beautiful world of eternal life, man! And now, you want to get some of my eternal life after death for yourself.

You're lucky I've devoted myself to the worship of a forgiving and benevolent messianic figure, or else I'd seriously want to pop you one right now....