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Onward (un)Christian Soldiers
The time has come to fight back.

I am making this appeal to New York City, because this is the only place in America where such an appeal can still be made. I just saw Billy Graham’s Qualcomm Stadium telecast on ABC, and I believe that there are legitimate grounds for the godless among us to demand equal time according to Section 315 of the 1934 Communications Act.

Non-believers in America are far too polite, which will prove to be their undoing. There is a reason why the life of a typical atheist family resembles the Marshall-Will-and-Holly model from Land of the Lost. They live in caves, only venturing out for food and water, conceding the entire plush territory to T-Rex and the idiotic Sleestack. A guilty conscience prevents them from taking positive steps to change the situation: We’re only here by mistake, it was our own fault for rafting down those rapids, this is their world, not ours...

This is a mistake. Land of the Lost was an inaccurate representation of humanity. What would have really happened in that situation is propagation of the species by Marshall, Will and Holly–incest be damned. Within a generation or two, the Sleestack would be wearing striped pajamas and cultivating our fields, while our chief dinosaur problem would be how to get them to mate in captivity. To depict things any other way is to sell human intelligence short....

...That is some weird-ass Christianity, praying for God to assist James Baker’s efforts to restructure Iraq’s debt. One wonders how Christians in Russia, whose country is owed $8 billion by our new satellite, will pray on this matter. Additionally, the idea that God should be called upon to help Americans recover their investments in Iraq is a little strange, to say the least. I must have missed that section of the Bible.

The Presidential Prayer Team issues a disclaimer, saying that it is not affiliated with the government and that it would serve "future leaders." But I don’t think that it takes a genius to see that it would cease to exist the day, say, Al Sharpton is elected president....